Is Your Ex Badmouthing You to the Kids? How to Respond Without Putting Them in the Middle

Your child climbs into the car after a weekend away, buckles in, and says quietly, "Dad says you're the reason we can't be a family anymore."

When your ex is badmouthing you to the kids, it lands in a place nothing else can reach. They can lie about you to their friends, to their family, even to a judge, and it hurts. But hearing those words come out of your own child's mouth is something else. It makes you want to set the record straight right there in the car, with every receipt you've ever saved.

I understand that impulse completely. When I was in the thick of it, I had whole speeches drafted in my head. What I learned, slowly and sometimes the hard way, is that the speech is almost never what your child needs. What they need is for one parent to stay safe, calm and on their side, which is a different thing from being on your side.

Why is my ex badmouthing me to the kids?

You don't need to diagnose your ex to deal with this, and I won't try. But co-parents with strong narcissistic or high-conflict traits often struggle to separate their own feelings about you from their children's relationship with you. In their story, they're the wronged one, and they want an audience that agrees. Sometimes the kids become that audience.

Other times it's about control. If the children come home angry, distant or suspicious of you, your ex still has a hand in your house even after the divorce. And sometimes, honestly, it's just poor impulse control: they say what they feel the moment they feel it, with no thought for who's listening.

Whatever the reason, the effect on your children is the same. They're being asked, out loud or not, to carry an adult's anger. Kids generally can't hold that weight, and they often handle it by trying to please whichever parent is in front of them. That's why your child might repeat something cruel and then seem completely normal an hour later. They aren't being two-faced. They're trying to survive a loyalty bind they never should have been put in.

Your children don't need you to win the argument. They need you to be the parent they never have to protect.

How should I respond when my child repeats what my ex said?

This is the moment that matters most, and it's usually unplanned: in the car, at bedtime, over cereal. Your first job is to keep your face and voice calm. Children read us closely, and if your reaction is big, they learn that telling you things causes trouble. Then they stop telling you.

Your second job is to get curious instead of defensive. A gentle question like "What made you think about that?" or "How did it feel to hear that?" opens a door. Your third job is to say something short and true, and then make it clear they're allowed to love both of you.

Here's how that can sound, using the format I use for co-parenting texts, except these are conversations with your child.

Notice what's missing. You never say "Your dad is a liar," even when he is lying. You never say "Do you know what she did to me?" You never ask your child to bring you more details next time. Each of those, however justified it feels, makes the loyalty bind tighter.

Should I tell my kids the truth about their other parent?

This is the question underneath almost every message I get on this topic. The truth matters, and you shouldn't lie to your children. But there's a difference between being honest and handing children adult information they can't use. A seven-year-old doesn't need to know about affairs, court filings or money. A fifteen-year-old might need more context, especially if they're old enough to see the pattern on their own.

A good rule: answer what they actually ask, at the level they can handle, without assigning motives to the other parent. "That's not what happened, and I'm sorry you heard it that way" is honest. "Your dad says that because he's a narcissist who can't stand losing" is a verdict, and it pulls your child into the role you're trying to keep them out of. I go deeper into age-appropriate language in what to tell kids about a narcissistic parent.

A mom I'll call Renée (a composite drawn from several readers) told me the turning point for her eleven-year-old came months later, not from any one conversation. "She told me, 'You never say mean things about Dad. He says mean things about you all the time.' She worked it out herself." That's the quiet power of not fighting back. Children notice who makes them feel safe.

What should I never do when my ex badmouths me?

When you're hurting, some responses can feel like self-defense but end up costing your children. These are the ones to steer clear of, even on your worst night:

• Don't badmouth your ex in return, including sighs, eye-rolls and "well, you know how your mother is"
• Don't question your kids after visits to collect evidence, or ask them to record conversations
• Don't send messages to your ex through the children (more on that in when a narcissist uses your child as a messenger)
• Don't cut back the kids' time with their other parent on your own; that's a question for the court, not something to decide yourself
• Don't post about it on social media, where your kids, or a judge, may eventually read it

Should I document it or talk to a lawyer?

Yes, write it down, and do it carefully. When your child volunteers something, note the date, their words as exactly as you can remember them, and the context ("said at bedtime after returning from weekend visit"). Don't prompt them for more or turn it into an interview. What a child says on their own carries far more weight, and protects them far better, than anything you dig for.

If the comments are frequent, if your child starts refusing visits with you, or if they seem anxious, withdrawn or frightened, talk with a family law attorney. Courts take a parent's efforts to damage a child's relationship with the other parent seriously, and many judges want to see a calm, documented pattern. A child therapist can also help, both to support your child and, in some cases, as a neutral professional who sees what's happening. For a step-by-step system, see how to document a narcissist co-parent.

If you'd like it together with my communication and documentation tools, the Digital Crisis Kit bundles them in one place.

What can I do tonight?

Pick one phrase you'll use the next time your child repeats something hurtful, and practice it out loud until it feels natural. Mine was "I can tell that was confusing to hear. You can always ask me anything." Then write down anything your child has already said, with dates, while you still remember it. And finally, do one ordinary, warm thing with your kids this week that has nothing to do with the divorce: a walk, a silly movie, cooking together. Your consistency is the counterargument. It just takes longer than a speech.

Lies are loud. Steadiness is quiet. Kids eventually hear both.

Frequently asked questions

Isabella Francis writes about co-parenting with high-conflict and narcissistic exes. This article is for education and support, not a substitute for legal or mental-health advice.